Lucky people. Besides actual face-to-face conversation, you people who choose to read this are the only people who will hear from me now. Until I’m back to normal.
Purging. I’ve been purging for a while now (it’s actually been a year, give or take a month or two) and I’m not sure how or why it came about. But it has. And it’s compulsive; I can’t stop myself from doing it. It hurts if I don’t. My right hand has started to develop calluses because of the purging. If it becomes more evident I’ll have to start on my left hand (the benefits of being ambidextrous).
Crying. Crying is something I’ve found hard to control all my life. Today, I found myself crying uncontrollably. As in, I didn’t realise I was loudly sobbing with tears streaming down my face until my cat started meowing at me from outside my bedroom.
- Cutting. I promised myself after using scissors, compasses and sharp pieces of plastic, that I’d never use a blade of any kind. I lost every sharp object I own, so I destroyed a pencil sharpener (unused) just so I could get the blade out. I called it Rosary, because that way, I know what it is, but my family don’t. It’s called Rosary, purely because of a line of a My Chemical Romance song, called It’s Not A Fashion Statement, It’s A Fucking Deathwish: “from the razor to the rosary“. Razor~Blade~Rosary. See?
- Hitting my head on the floor. Now, I realise this sounds like a child having a tantrum, but it’s real. If I feel guilty, I’ll go mute (against my will) and subsequently lie on the floor, hitting my head against it. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this, but Patrick has had to restrain me before. He said it upset him because I wanted to hurt myself so desperately, and he couldn’t give into what I wanted. The worst part is, I’m not even fully aware of what I’m doing in this state. Patrick felt when I became aware, because I’d suddenly stop fighting and I’d go limp, because I’d just used up so much energy and didn’t have enough energy to do much else.
That’s why I’m not as I should be. I don’t see much else going for me besides my WordPress account. So, thank you for following me on my journey.