Hope

Here we go then. Another ramble.

Have you ever had to live in hope? As in, you know nothing is going right, and you know it won’t sort itself out, even though you want it to?

There’s no doubt about it; if you recognise this shitty feeling, you’ll be able to empathise with me.

I learned today (technically yesterday, at this point) that the things I thought gave me hope… Well… They didn’t.

Let’s start at the top.

Patrick.

He’d been enjoying himself all day in Yorkshire, which I was quite glad to hear, to be honest, because I like the fact that he can go out and do something and have unlimited levels of fun in doing so.
But the fact is… Sometimes he can get ahead of himself.
“But, Sapphire,” I hear you rudely interrupt, “didn’t you just say that you were happy for him, you contrary piece of shit?”
Yes, yes I did. And I hold that view. I love the people I love having a nice life. But, what I can’t, nay, shouldn’t tolerate is them utilising their great mood to make me feel like shit. Intentional or otherwise, when I state I’m not in a fantastic mood, and then suddenly all criticisms are thrown upon me… Yeah. Maybe it wasn’t intentional. Maybe I’m overthinking (yes, Patrick, I know I overthink sometimes, but so do you. So leave me to it).

I can’t actually remember the pseudonyms of anyone else I’ve featured in the blog… So, I’ll have to move onto the final person I was going to talk about:

Sapphire.

“But, Sapph-” Yes, shut the hell up. I know that’s me. I piss myself off majorly. I’m selfish, arrogant… You know what… Easily summed up as “I’m a bitch”. And I feel sorry for the female dogs that have to share a similar name. Let’s clarify:
Bitch¹: a dog of the female gender
Bitch²: a twat (see Sapphire)
I truly hate myself. I know I’m fat, yet my eating habits yo-yo between not eating at all and binge eating. I know I’m overemotional, yet I do nothing to stop my emotions ruining my life. I know I don’t deserve to have certain people in my life, yet I don’t tell them that I really think they’d be better off without me.

I started this post stating that I live in hope. I do, I really do.
I hope that something, somewhere will let me see the world in another perspective.
I hope that people will realise how much of a complete and utter fucking bitch I am.
I hope that, perhaps, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. One that shows me into a world where I can have a social life and still be confident that people don’t hate me.

See… Contrary.

I hate people liking me, because I know I don’t deserve it, and yet I fucking crave respect.

Yeah… Maybe one day I’ll grow the fuck up, who knows…

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